Personal trainers are for wimps......like me (The Extended Remix)

Have you ever noticed how many muscles have to fire just to get you out of a chair? IF you're like me, you have no clue. You just get up, taking your gut with you, and you don't even notice how much effort it took your body to gain momentum just to schlep over to the copy machine.

Ignorance is somewhat blissful, because that's all over for me. I know exactly how much it takes to get out of a chair because my sore as all hell muscles have been showing me for over 24 hours. It's my body's way of thanking me for the extraordinary personal training session we had on Sunday.

Now before I go any further, I should probably provide some context. All 2 of my loyal readers surely think that I am a svelte, uber-hottie whose body of superior work is represented publicly by a Beyonce-like figure.

Wrong.

I recently stepped on the scale and discovered that my weight had......well....risen. It had risen to a point of discomfort. How much do I weigh? I could tell you but then I'd have to gouge your eyes out with a shrimp fork. I will only refer to my high weight by its Native American tribal name:

Oh Hell No. Henceforth refered to as OHN.

OHN sent me right out to pick up the Abs Diet, The Abs Diet for Women, The Abs Diet for Bears and the Abs Diet for Walruses, just to cover all my bases. I've measured my waist with a tape measure, shocked that it was able to make the whole trip. I've calculated by BMI, which pretty much said 'DAAAAYUMM!' but considering that I'm at OHN, not a total surprise.

This brings us back to our training session. My trainer, who I will refer to as The General (TG), is a friend of my sister's. Great guy, super nice. The General's Wife (TGW) is also great and her body is simply banging. At a recent party, the BF and I talking with TG about exercising and TG revealed that he believes dumbbells and weight machines are "the devil." While dumbbells and machines isolate muscles for movement they do not assist in strengthening the tendons and other assorted bodily goodness that hold our musculature together. As someone who has fancied herself a runner in the past, prior to reaching OHN, and subject to knee pain, I was intrigued. Could the quad machine have been a foe of recovery? Has everything we've been taught about strength training been a lie?

The BF and I decided to do a dual training session with TG with assistance from TGW. My main apprehension was the ever-doable push up. Upper body strength is not my forte. The BF told me that it would be fine and that I wouldn't be compared to him, super Muay Thai practitioner. "Thanks, honey," I replied. The session started with TG giving us the rules (which can be summed up as, unless you're really in pain, no bitching) and starting us in the park with a warm up. Dips are hard enough, but at a 45 degree angle, they are simply a test of will. Although I'd take 45 degree dips 50 times over compared to the pull ups the BF was doing.

We then retreated back to our starting point for abs and strength training. Let me simply say that in all of my 30 years, I've never had a problem breathing. Breathing is simple. In and out. In and out. No biggie. By the time we were 2/3 way through strength training, I thought I was breathing but the only sound that came out was a wheeze. I was wheezing. I didn't even know what it was; I thought I needed to clear my throat. My body was seriously begging for oxygen. I felt fine, didn't want to hurl, but couldn't get the high pitched noise to stop for about a minute. The BF thought I was going to pass out, TG and TGW looked concerned, but I'm a high-level trooper and got back on the mat for the final exercise.

I have to admit, I gained a lot of respect for TG for making me wheeze. If he's taxing my lungs like this with no machines or treadmills, imagine what he'll do to my body. Additionally, you and me and anyone else can phone in a work out on the treadmill while watching E! but pushing yourself hard enough to feel like you're going to black out takes some doing, and sometimes another person taking you there.

TG and I are meeting this week to talk about our future training together. I think this will be good for me as I know TG well enough to feel comfortable, but not so comfortable that I won't push myself. Hard.

Goodbye OHN. Your days are numbered.