So, what are you marrying for again?

I have marriage on the brain. Most of my friends are married and now they are even starting to reproduce. Most of my friends friends are married, too. However, I'm keeping secret tabs on who I think will be the first to divorce. This isn't new; since we figured out in college that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I've secretly hedged my bets on who it would be. I don't want my friend's marriages to split up, but it's like having a car accident; one will happen eventually, even if it is not your fault. Most likely, though, it's going to happen to the person who doesn't pay attention in traffic.

My new goal is to figure out why I should marry. What qualities will bring about a happy marriage. Money doesn't do it. A lack of money and a pile of bills can really strain a couple, certainly, but that same couple winning hundreds of millions in the lottery could also be just as unhappy as before. If anything, you marry for money thinking the person will help you get a better life and 10 years later it wasn't the life you wanted.

You can marry for love and many would say that's the only reason you should marry. I think you should marry for two things.

Love and Courage.

You marry someone you love. That's easy. You marry someone you love and who loves you. Still with me? Great. However, you marry someone when you actually love yourself and the person you love actually loves themselves, too. This can be tricky. Scores of people in the world work on being someone they are not, inhabiting lives they really do not want but that they hold onto out of fear. Loving yourself means being whole enough to know who you really are and honoring yourself with love. This can mean everything from skipping the Twinkies in favor of the banana or paying with cash instead of credit. It can also mean saying 'no' and meaning it to taking a real vacation when you know you need it. Loving yourself gives you the opportunity to deeply appreciate and love other people in your life.

It takes (you saw this coming) courage to be who you really are and not let anyone else tell you who that is (Thanks, Ms. Winfrey). It takes courage to love yourself and be yourself in front of what appears to be a huge mountain of judgment, whether it be your own or others. It also takes courage to love someone else and allow them to grow more deeply into who they are. If you do not grow, you stagnate and die and so goes the relationship. Growth thrives on courage in a relationship. It also means being courageous enough to put the needs of the relationship ahead of your own. But once you know yourself, you figure out whether you can actually do that before you get into a relationship. You need courage to stand up for your partner when the situation warrants it and to stand up for yourself and your values.

I think these attributes really trump everything else. Who cares if you love golf and your partner doesn't? Growth means being courageous enough to try new things and if your partner won't even TRY to see the glory in 9 holes of golf, you may have someone with a courage problem. Now if your partner has been dragged to the greens by their Mom since they were 8 and says no dice, then that person has love for themselves and is courageous enough to say with love 'thanks, but no thanks.' After all, it's both the least and most they can do.